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Used to, used to

I used to be

This emotional person

This person who writes her little poems

Expressing everything

Every feeling

Talking with people and making them open up about their feelings

Helping them

Which helped me , express more feelings that i was holding in.

But i am telling this in past tense

Because i dont now where she is right now

Hell, where she was these couple of months

I cant say if she’s hiding

Or she’s just lost.

But the thing is i am not trying to find her

I just think about her sometimes .. and these questions pop up..

What would she do in this situation

When i am feeling lost but not wanting to be found

I am here numb more than ever

And i have no idea how i got here..

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Do you?

Ever feel dizzy

When you’re trying to sleep

And your eyes are closed

But feel like the world is spiralling

Everything is spinning without even moving

Eyes pulsating like you’re dreaming

You might be dreaming even when you’re awake i guess

Paralyzed there in the midst of your messy bed

Thinking when is this going to end?

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Questions,questions,questions

Nostalgia hit me today more than ever.

It’s like I am truly trying to make sense of my thoughts, my poor memory surfacing once again emotional memories I hold so dear in my heart.


Would I try to recreate them?

Would I want to have them back just like they were without ever changing anything?
Would I?

I asked myself more than once still no answer.
This overwhelming feeling is draining me from every bit of emotion I want to have..


Can I choose what I want to feel?
Can I just hit pause?
Why can’t I?
Do I really want to stay in this state of mind? Why don’t I make a move?


So many rhetorical questions I don’t want to know the meaning.
I want to remain just like that
Naïve or/and ignorant
So, when I see my hands shake, I would blame the coffee.
Not all these electronic feelings pulsating causing nothing but rain..

?!
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Times like this

There are times where i feel used

And times where i feel loved

Now dont know the difference

I feel loved because they’re using me

Or they’re using me because they love me

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…..

Loathing

myself in this state of mind

Wanting to protect myself

at all cost.

Even when i shouldn’t,

Theres a thick barrier holding me hostage

Between those who i hold dear

And my intrusive thoughts

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Pour

I like the rain

So when it falls i can cry with it.

Is this a good way to describe it?

What i feel when it rains?

I don’t want to name the feeling

But , imagine it

the rain pouring

And you out there not knowing why you’re pouring…

Boom

A ticking time bomb

Thats what i am.

I’ve been trying to give my mind a name

As a person

As an aura

-shifting and becoming a black cloud

Ready or not to explode.

I Think

I think and think

And think again

And then again,

My words mean nothing to me

I keep making these promises

(to myself).

Like tomorrow something’s going to change

Except when tomorrow comes

Nothings changed.

I am still here. At the same place and state of mind i was a second ago

Waiting for the night to come

Waiting to make those promises again

Just a couple of empty promises that dont mean a thing

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You’d rather say that you’re okay than explain why you’re in pain

Empty assumptions

Where do i draw the line

Between me

And them

Where do i raise my voice

And say something?..

Will i hurt them

Or just me…?