I used to be
This emotional person
This person who writes her little poems
Talking with people and making them open up about their feelings
Which helped me , express more feelings that i was holding in.
But i am telling this in past tense
Because i dont now where she is right now
Hell, where she was these couple of months
I cant say if she’s hiding
Or she’s just lost.
But the thing is i am not trying to find her
I just think about her sometimes .. and these questions pop up..
What would she do in this situation
When i am feeling lost but not wanting to be found
I am here numb more than ever
And i have no idea how i got here..
Ever feel dizzy
When you’re trying to sleep
And your eyes are closed
But feel like the world is spiralling
Everything is spinning without even moving
Eyes pulsating like you’re dreaming
You might be dreaming even when you’re awake i guess
Paralyzed there in the midst of your messy bed
Thinking when is this going to end?
Nostalgia hit me today more than ever.
It’s like I am truly trying to make sense of my thoughts, my poor memory surfacing once again emotional memories I hold so dear in my heart.
Would I try to recreate them?
Would I want to have them back just like they were without ever changing anything?
I asked myself more than once still no answer.
This overwhelming feeling is draining me from every bit of emotion I want to have..
Can I choose what I want to feel? Can I just hit pause? Why can’t I? Do I really want to stay in this state of mind? Why don’t I make a move?
So many rhetorical questions I don’t want to know the meaning. I want to remain just like that Naïve or/and ignorant So, when I see my hands shake, I would blame the coffee. Not all these electronic feelings pulsating causing nothing but rain..
There are times where i feel used
And times where i feel loved
Now dont know the difference
I feel loved because they’re using me
Or they’re using me because they love me
myself in this state of mind
Wanting to protect myself
at all cost.
Even when i shouldn’t,
Theres a thick barrier holding me hostage
Between those who i hold dear
And my intrusive thoughts
I like the rain
So when it falls i can cry with it.
Is this a good way to describe it?
What i feel when it rains?
I don’t want to name the feeling
But , imagine it
the rain pouring
And you out there not knowing why you’re pouring…
A ticking time bomb
Thats what i am.
I’ve been trying to give my mind a name
As a person
As an aura
-shifting and becoming a black cloud
Ready or not to explode.
I think and think
And think again
And then again,
My words mean nothing to me
I keep making these promises
Like tomorrow something’s going to change
Except when tomorrow comes
I am still here. At the same place and state of mind i was a second ago
Waiting for the night to come
Waiting to make those promises again
Just a couple of empty promises that dont mean a thing
You’d rather say that you’re okay than explain why you’re in pain
Where do i draw the line
Where do i raise my voice
And say something?..
Will i hurt them
Or just me…?
This is so overwhelming
I am here
I am there
I am nowhere
Between space and light
Found myself once again
In the midst of darkness..
Which gets darker by every minute